new hair

I lourves it. I need some bleach touchups but i'm really happy with how it turned out

yay food

I got on foodstamps yesterday. talk about humbling. I'm getting $200 a month, so, yay food! Thank god too because the day before, I ate 2 sleeves of saltines. that was it.

sunburn is getting better. still hurts a little, starting to peel and turn into a nice deep tan.

waiting on someone to come over at 12:30 to buy my PS2 and game for $30.00
yay for gas and smokes.

i hate my life

ouch

so yesterday was Eeyore's Birthday. This year I decided to volunteer. I helped with the recycling, which meant I was "working" for 2 hours and then spent the rest of the day soaking up some sun and drinking lots of beer and smoking way too much.

and by soaking up some sun, I mean i'm damn near purple and starting to blister.

ouch ouch ouch. I was up at 4:30 this morning, up for a few hours watching cnn and fell back asleep till 11:30.
I just tried laying back on a pillow... I might have to take some nyquil to get some sleep tonight.

*insert laugh that makes you question my sanity*

i lost my job today

on the application, it asked if i had been convicted of a crime. I said no because, technically, I haven't. the type of probation i was on, is not a conviction.

they finally ran my background check, and it's on there, of course, and its a problem.

oh dear god

I over did it last night. BIG TIME!!!

Went on a date with a GORGEOUS boy!
His name is Doug, he's 40, a pisces, a painter, rockabilly, has tattoos, and drives a motorcycle

oh boy I think I'm in trouble :D

it's getting better all the time...

I started a new job yesterday. It pays about $3.00 less an hour than my last 2 jobs i've had, but with the cheap rent that includes bills at the new place, I will make enough to pay my bills and still have money to live on.. just have to curtail my unnecessary spending like random clutter shit from goodwill. i dont see having a problem with that since me and Josh are getting futher and further away from each other's lives.

The new job does have health insurance that starts after 90 days, and my last job's has already ended, so i just have to wait for anything i want to get checked out, like an oddly shaped mole on my arm, and why I wake up feeling hungover even when i havent had a drink in over a week.

I had an epiphany last night about Josh.

I have always tried to find the "good" in every relationship i've had.

Joe, good starter marriage, and I got some great kids out of it.
Fred, showed me that even after being married for 11 years and having 3 kids, someone would find me sexy.
Aleph, terrible long distance thing, but it showed me that someone would love me and that I could have the capacity to love someone other than Joe.
Josh, was my training wheels. We had a real relationship, and yes, he was one foot out the door the entire time, and broke my heart, and then strung me along for a year, but it showed me that i can have a REAL relationship.

I am sad, but not too sad. I am angry, but not too angry. I'm upset by him but not at him. I am disappointed. I wanted more, but he couldnt give more. Ok. I will always love him, and be his friend, but I can't get what I want from him, even tho he is the one I want, ok. I can't force someone to want to be with me. I can't force someone to love me. He's even talking about going back into the Air Force, so i think if we have some distance, and he does go thru with it, it wont hurt quite as bad. I hope anyway.

Time to find ME again. HAPPY me. Me who likes to dye her hair random colors and doesnt stop dying her hair for a guy (its been MONTHS) Me who likes to cut her hair however she wants, and wear black and white striped heels just because they are cool. ME who loves her "angry music".

Ready to be happy again, ready to be ME again. ready to boast about my kid's awesome accomplishments and just.. be me.

need a fresh start

need to move away from Texas.
I love Texas. I am PROUD to be from Texas, but i have been hanging on by a string for too long. There is nothing FOR me here anymore. I've been out of work for about 2 weeks, and while I'm starting a new job Tuesday, which I'm happy about, I can't help but feel my time here is over. Even my closest friends I never see or talk to anymore. Josh has stopped talking to me for the most part, and sitting home, alone, no family or friends to spend the holiday with is affecting me BIG TIME. It's very depressing to have sat at home watching TV all day. I am not happy with my life, and I need to start over.