not happy...havent been for 6 months

I've come to the realization recently, that I have not been truly happy in 6 months. Yes, there have been some good times, some smiles and laughs, but as a whole, to my core, unhappy. People have been able to sense this. I used to be the girl who would break into dance in the middle of goodwill because it was a good song. I dont do that anymore. 6 months ago, I would have put a tutu on my cat because its funny. Now, I just wish she would stop meowing.

I was happier than i'd been in a very long time.

But I lied.

I was arrested at work for not completing my deferred adjudication from writing checks I didnt have the money to cash from when I was married and had a family and he was sick and I had 3 kids to support and did what I had to do to feed and clothe them. I was told by one county to not worry about a class because I was moving counties. Apparently, I had to do the class anyway.
When they came to arrest me, I lied to the person I cared the most about. I pretended to not know what they were arresting me, and continued that lie for a good day.

I would love to blame my parents for this flaw. This flaw that I thought I had stopped doing. This sudden oh god panic.. lie. that will make it better. I know it doesnt make it better. It ALWAYS makes things worse. ALWAYS. "dont tell your dad the car made that noise" "dont tell your dad how you skinned your knee" "dont tell your dad this, that, the other" we never knew how dad would react... it usually did not end well and left at least one person crying. not because of the lie tho, but because my dad was an evil bipolar bastard who liked to call my mother a whore. Who one day threw me against a wall and kicked me in the ribs and threatened to drop me off in the red light district to fend for myself. I was 13 and told my brother i was sorry our mom was his substitute teacher and hurt her feelings. that was his response.

Its not my parents fault. Its mine. I panicked. and I lied. Because of that, I lost the man I care most for in the world. The man I fell in love with on my birthday just a few weeks before when I opened to the door to his apartment to find all my new close friends throwing me a surprise party.

Losing him was just part of it. Knowing what I did to him when I lied is what's worse. I didnt trust him and then I lost his trust in me. I'm not sorry for why I was on probation. If I were put in the same situation of having a terminally ill husband and 3 children to support and getting no help, I would do it again. I'm sorry that I lied about it. I'm sorry that I kept it hidden to begin with and I'm sorry that when given the chance to come clean I continued to hide.

So much has happened in my life that I cannot even begin to explain, and I was so so happy. And I fucked it up. and I'm so sorry.