new hair

I lourves it. I need some bleach touchups but i'm really happy with how it turned out

yay food

I got on foodstamps yesterday. talk about humbling. I'm getting $200 a month, so, yay food! Thank god too because the day before, I ate 2 sleeves of saltines. that was it.

sunburn is getting better. still hurts a little, starting to peel and turn into a nice deep tan.

waiting on someone to come over at 12:30 to buy my PS2 and game for $30.00
yay for gas and smokes.

i hate my life

ouch

so yesterday was Eeyore's Birthday. This year I decided to volunteer. I helped with the recycling, which meant I was "working" for 2 hours and then spent the rest of the day soaking up some sun and drinking lots of beer and smoking way too much.

and by soaking up some sun, I mean i'm damn near purple and starting to blister.

ouch ouch ouch. I was up at 4:30 this morning, up for a few hours watching cnn and fell back asleep till 11:30.
I just tried laying back on a pillow... I might have to take some nyquil to get some sleep tonight.

*insert laugh that makes you question my sanity*

i lost my job today

on the application, it asked if i had been convicted of a crime. I said no because, technically, I haven't. the type of probation i was on, is not a conviction.

they finally ran my background check, and it's on there, of course, and its a problem.

oh dear god

I over did it last night. BIG TIME!!!

Went on a date with a GORGEOUS boy!
His name is Doug, he's 40, a pisces, a painter, rockabilly, has tattoos, and drives a motorcycle

oh boy I think I'm in trouble :D

it's getting better all the time...

I started a new job yesterday. It pays about $3.00 less an hour than my last 2 jobs i've had, but with the cheap rent that includes bills at the new place, I will make enough to pay my bills and still have money to live on.. just have to curtail my unnecessary spending like random clutter shit from goodwill. i dont see having a problem with that since me and Josh are getting futher and further away from each other's lives.

The new job does have health insurance that starts after 90 days, and my last job's has already ended, so i just have to wait for anything i want to get checked out, like an oddly shaped mole on my arm, and why I wake up feeling hungover even when i havent had a drink in over a week.

I had an epiphany last night about Josh.

I have always tried to find the "good" in every relationship i've had.

Joe, good starter marriage, and I got some great kids out of it.
Fred, showed me that even after being married for 11 years and having 3 kids, someone would find me sexy.
Aleph, terrible long distance thing, but it showed me that someone would love me and that I could have the capacity to love someone other than Joe.
Josh, was my training wheels. We had a real relationship, and yes, he was one foot out the door the entire time, and broke my heart, and then strung me along for a year, but it showed me that i can have a REAL relationship.

I am sad, but not too sad. I am angry, but not too angry. I'm upset by him but not at him. I am disappointed. I wanted more, but he couldnt give more. Ok. I will always love him, and be his friend, but I can't get what I want from him, even tho he is the one I want, ok. I can't force someone to want to be with me. I can't force someone to love me. He's even talking about going back into the Air Force, so i think if we have some distance, and he does go thru with it, it wont hurt quite as bad. I hope anyway.

Time to find ME again. HAPPY me. Me who likes to dye her hair random colors and doesnt stop dying her hair for a guy (its been MONTHS) Me who likes to cut her hair however she wants, and wear black and white striped heels just because they are cool. ME who loves her "angry music".

Ready to be happy again, ready to be ME again. ready to boast about my kid's awesome accomplishments and just.. be me.

need a fresh start

need to move away from Texas.
I love Texas. I am PROUD to be from Texas, but i have been hanging on by a string for too long. There is nothing FOR me here anymore. I've been out of work for about 2 weeks, and while I'm starting a new job Tuesday, which I'm happy about, I can't help but feel my time here is over. Even my closest friends I never see or talk to anymore. Josh has stopped talking to me for the most part, and sitting home, alone, no family or friends to spend the holiday with is affecting me BIG TIME. It's very depressing to have sat at home watching TV all day. I am not happy with my life, and I need to start over.

not happy...havent been for 6 months

I've come to the realization recently, that I have not been truly happy in 6 months. Yes, there have been some good times, some smiles and laughs, but as a whole, to my core, unhappy. People have been able to sense this. I used to be the girl who would break into dance in the middle of goodwill because it was a good song. I dont do that anymore. 6 months ago, I would have put a tutu on my cat because its funny. Now, I just wish she would stop meowing.

I was happier than i'd been in a very long time.

But I lied.

I was arrested at work for not completing my deferred adjudication from writing checks I didnt have the money to cash from when I was married and had a family and he was sick and I had 3 kids to support and did what I had to do to feed and clothe them. I was told by one county to not worry about a class because I was moving counties. Apparently, I had to do the class anyway.
When they came to arrest me, I lied to the person I cared the most about. I pretended to not know what they were arresting me, and continued that lie for a good day.

I would love to blame my parents for this flaw. This flaw that I thought I had stopped doing. This sudden oh god panic.. lie. that will make it better. I know it doesnt make it better. It ALWAYS makes things worse. ALWAYS. "dont tell your dad the car made that noise" "dont tell your dad how you skinned your knee" "dont tell your dad this, that, the other" we never knew how dad would react... it usually did not end well and left at least one person crying. not because of the lie tho, but because my dad was an evil bipolar bastard who liked to call my mother a whore. Who one day threw me against a wall and kicked me in the ribs and threatened to drop me off in the red light district to fend for myself. I was 13 and told my brother i was sorry our mom was his substitute teacher and hurt her feelings. that was his response.

Its not my parents fault. Its mine. I panicked. and I lied. Because of that, I lost the man I care most for in the world. The man I fell in love with on my birthday just a few weeks before when I opened to the door to his apartment to find all my new close friends throwing me a surprise party.

Losing him was just part of it. Knowing what I did to him when I lied is what's worse. I didnt trust him and then I lost his trust in me. I'm not sorry for why I was on probation. If I were put in the same situation of having a terminally ill husband and 3 children to support and getting no help, I would do it again. I'm sorry that I lied about it. I'm sorry that I kept it hidden to begin with and I'm sorry that when given the chance to come clean I continued to hide.

So much has happened in my life that I cannot even begin to explain, and I was so so happy. And I fucked it up. and I'm so sorry.

you only get 2 for now... im being lazy

Wish I could smoke inside

Went to the doctors.

She felt me up, got blood drawn, and I have a mammogram monday morning at 8:30am.

Tonight i go do Rocky Horror Picture show, so i'm looking forward to that, even tho its going to be like, 30 degrees outside and i'll be in a corset and shorts >.<

Not much in the mood to write..

Why does your love smell like pickles?

I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow.

My boobs have been hurting for a week straight. They are heavy and bigger and really really really sore. I am nauseated randomly and getting dizzy spells. I am having random pains in my lower abdomen about where my ovaries are located.

I've peed on 2 sticks, not pregnant, so something else is going on.

Seriously, all i want to do is throw up, and lay in bed with a cold towel on my head and boobs and sleep.

I've looked up symptoms, and 3 things are possible.
A) Pregnant.. again, peed on 2 sticks.. not pregnant
B) Breast Cancer
C) NOTHING

I'm betting it's C. There's never anything wrong, and my body just hates me.

I'll post when I know more

I found a kitty!

I found this guy the other day on my back porch. I tried feeding him and it turns out that he is not very friendly because i think he may be scared. Not quite sure the breed but I am assuming he is part Siamese. I have him in a crate because he is not really house broken. I wonder who's he is...

GO VOTE FOR THIS!

Movin on up...

Yesterday was moving day.

We managed to get 99% of it done, in 4 hours. YAY for people helping and a uhaul! Best $30 ive spent in a WHILE!

got almost everything unpacked and set up today, had to go back to Ikea for another set of curtains to go under the ones I already bought and put up because the afternoon sun beats into my room and turns it into a freakin oven!

Got to have dinner with Pete, so that was fun. We went and had Italian, yum.. and then he hung out at the new pad for a couple of hours, chilling and chatting.

I'm supposed to go to Elysium tonight for a friend's birthday party thing but it starts at 11 and i am TIRED and I have to work tomorrow and who does their birthday at a club at 11pm on a school night!??

Sorry Rudy :(

Thats pretty much all I got. Gonna go and find my alarm clock cell phone and SLEEEEP!


seacrest out!

Fiesta siesta something else esta...

Watching the game

Full of chicken

Playing spore

Sleepy

Comfy

Cold outside

Doing laundry

Starting to pack

Hate roommate

Sleepy

Don't want to go to work

Want to go on a trip

Want to go back to California

Really like the bay area

Too cold, expensive, aleph LOL

Aleph is being weird, again... Oh well. Not like I wanted to get back together just missed my friend. His loss

Tummy full of greasy chicken

Am sleepy

Texas

Fight

Texas

Fight

Might fall asleep watching game

Not good idea

Need to do more laundry and I'd sleep till morning and probably be late for work

Sleeeeepy!!!0

So much for a good day

I was up at 5am to head to REI for their garage sale which doesn't happen often. Basically all the stuff that gets returned they sell really really cheap. I got 2 pairs of pants, a shirt, a chalk bag, chalk, and the exact pair of climbing shoes I've been wanting all for $58.00. Which is beyond awesome because the shoes brand new are $69

I then went for an hour long hike. Just me and nature. Freakishly warm weather, the wind, the birds...
Bliss

Then I got lost LOL. Ok I knew where I was because I could see the road I just couldn't get down and was about 200 feet in the air above it. At least I knew either a snake a bobcat or the fall would kill me

Ha!

But I found my way back after falling and slipping twice. Came home, took a fantastic long shower and got hungry.

Went to chilis and had my favorite soup yum! Thought about using my new shoes but after food my body went DO NOT WANT

Came home and yay!!!!!!! Eviction notice! Thanks drunk idiot roommate for whatever you did to get us kicked out

So went to epoch, called about 7 people looking for roomies and I've been sitting at home playing spore since

Oh and my former best friend decided to "call me out" on his blog
Whatever
Don't care anymore
Fuck you
Were done

cleansing and purging

Welcome to 2009!

I thought about sitting here and typing out my 2008, but got to April and decided that it was going to take entirely too long and would be mostly boring and changed my mind. Besides, I drank way too much the first part of my year to remember it all ha ha.

So..

Ok, Christmas. I am really glad for a co-worker who invited me and the asshole roommate to spend the day with him and his family, otherwise I would have had nothing else to do. I got a new champagne glass to replace the one the cat broke, so that was awesome. I also got 2 movies and 2 books. I got a card from my mom. gee. thanks mom.

I'm thinking of sending her a guilt filled email to get her to send me an REI giftcard so I can get the climbing shoes I want. It probably wouldnt work but its worth a shot, right?


New Years.
Fun, Drama, booze, too much food.

I took my nicotine patch off about 4pm (much to the displeasure of a certain monkey man) and decided the day before new years was a stupid time to quit smoking since I would be drinking. I had 5 maybe 6 cigarettes, and my chest feels like an elephant sat on it today. Not a good choice. MM shot off a firework and it went a wrong direction and headed directly towards myself and B. B and P then decided to berate MM about his fireworks safety and skills pissing off MM. B and P need to back the fuck off sometimes. After that, more people showed up to talk to and in the end, had a pretty good time, a bottle of champagne, some guitar hero, and surrounded by good friends.
oh, and being told that a certain someone is never allowed back into their house.
awesome.
apologizing to EVERYONE that was there Thanksgiving for someone's actions and decisions and promising, that no... never again.

I'm not going to go into detail about the previous statements, lets just say drama and bullshit was brought into a drama and bullshit free zone, some really bad decisions by someone else pretty much ruined any chance they had an a really awesome adopted family here in Austin, and I should not have to go back and apologize to people for a grown person's choices, but I had to and that was that.


I dont want to go to work tomorrow, but that's normal. I *could* call in sick but I wont because I actually will have a ton of work that needs to be done because its the first day of client expectations.


Lets see, In other news.

I have quit smoking. MM had about $600 in flex spending to use by the end of the year (giving us 3 days to use it all) and part of what was bought was the patch for me to quit smoking. I'm not craving a cigarette, its the routine. Its the "ok its 9am, I've been at work for an hour, had my coffee and some brekkie and i havent actually started working because all my customers are in Washington and Oregon, so lets go smoke!". Getting into my car and lighting a cigarette. Sitting at Epoch drinking coffee and chain smoking. I can do it, its just going to be weird.

MM and I have started a clense. Filling our bodies with so many toxins (me cigarettes, us both booze, and processed foods) and we're both tired, lethargic, headaches, etc, and have decided to start "the master clense"...which means we're pooing a lot! LOL

that's pretty much it really.

I'll try and update this thing more often! Promise!