it's getting better all the time...

I started a new job yesterday. It pays about $3.00 less an hour than my last 2 jobs i've had, but with the cheap rent that includes bills at the new place, I will make enough to pay my bills and still have money to live on.. just have to curtail my unnecessary spending like random clutter shit from goodwill. i dont see having a problem with that since me and Josh are getting futher and further away from each other's lives.

The new job does have health insurance that starts after 90 days, and my last job's has already ended, so i just have to wait for anything i want to get checked out, like an oddly shaped mole on my arm, and why I wake up feeling hungover even when i havent had a drink in over a week.

I had an epiphany last night about Josh.

I have always tried to find the "good" in every relationship i've had.

Joe, good starter marriage, and I got some great kids out of it.
Fred, showed me that even after being married for 11 years and having 3 kids, someone would find me sexy.
Aleph, terrible long distance thing, but it showed me that someone would love me and that I could have the capacity to love someone other than Joe.
Josh, was my training wheels. We had a real relationship, and yes, he was one foot out the door the entire time, and broke my heart, and then strung me along for a year, but it showed me that i can have a REAL relationship.

I am sad, but not too sad. I am angry, but not too angry. I'm upset by him but not at him. I am disappointed. I wanted more, but he couldnt give more. Ok. I will always love him, and be his friend, but I can't get what I want from him, even tho he is the one I want, ok. I can't force someone to want to be with me. I can't force someone to love me. He's even talking about going back into the Air Force, so i think if we have some distance, and he does go thru with it, it wont hurt quite as bad. I hope anyway.

Time to find ME again. HAPPY me. Me who likes to dye her hair random colors and doesnt stop dying her hair for a guy (its been MONTHS) Me who likes to cut her hair however she wants, and wear black and white striped heels just because they are cool. ME who loves her "angry music".

Ready to be happy again, ready to be ME again. ready to boast about my kid's awesome accomplishments and just.. be me.